Create a Learning Environment that Fosters Self-Discovery- Part 4

Conversation Anticipation

Another tool to creating self-discovery is anticipating where the conversation will go. Asking questions without anticipating where the conversation might go can create awkward moments for you and your team member. These awkward moments usually cause leaders to “tell instead of exploring deeper.”  A little planning can keep the conversation focused on your team member and help them grow in their role. Use these steps to effectively plan for any conversation.

First, be clear about the goal of your conversation. Your goal is not to fix problems. Your goal is to develop a team of proactive problem solvers. While each conversation may have a different problem to solve, the goal is always to develop the critical thinking skills in your team that create proactive problem solving and decision-making that help drive organizational success.

Second, anticipate the 4 outcomes that can happen in the conversation: alignment, misalignment, misalignment & upset, misalignment & shut down.

Alignment means that you and your team member agree in the conversation. You both see the situation the same way. Alignment enables you to progress through a conversation easier and more productively. You can explore situations constructively, reinforce liberating thinking and actions, and build on current success. Even when you both agree that the person is struggling or upset, solutions and strategies are easy to discover and implement when you agree on what happened and why it happened.

Misalignment means that you have different perspectives on the situation. You disagree about either what happened, why it happened, how the people involved reacted, or other elements of the situation. If you anticipate the misalignment that could occur in the conversation you can build strategies to reduce misalignment and create liberating solutions for both the team member, you, and the organization.

Misalignment and upset means that the differences in your understandings of the situation cause the other person to become upset. When people become upset it is difficult for them to

look objectively at the situation. The person usually feels more vulnerable or threatened when there is misalignment. When this happens, the person may become defensive or compliant, depending on the situation. Neither of these reactions, defensiveness or compliance, will create the type of role growth you need in the person. If someone becomes upset, first acknowledge what you see and ask for clarification. “Clara, something has obviously upset you. Help me understand what upset you and why it upset you.” Asking for clarification can often reduce emotional responses and help the person focus objectively on the situation. You can also communicate that your intent was to understand the situation objectively rather than judge the situation or accuse the person of something. Asking for clarification and communicating intent will usually reduce emotions and enable you to continue the conversation.

Misalignment and shut down means that the person becomes upset to the point that they can no longer continue the conversation honestly and objectively. When this happens, the most effective strategy is to stop the conversation and set a later date to continue the conversation. This communicates to the person that you respect their emotional situation and that the conversation will continue in the future. Set the next meeting before you leave the current meeting.

When you meet again, take ownership of anything you can do differently in the future to create better conversations. Then, ask a question to help the team member build a plan for future success. “I’m sorry that I did not explain why the timeline is so important. Totally my fault. Does it make more sense now? What can you do differently in the future to ensure that we get the report on time?”

Listen to the person’s plan and ask relevant probing questions. If the person says something like, “I just need to focus more on this,” it can be useful to ask another question like, “I appreciate your desire to focus more on (x). I also know that you have a lot to do every day. How can you reorganize your day to create more time for (x) and still meet the other deadlines you have? Let’s get together on Wednesday and talk about your plan.”

One final note. Your tone when asking questions is critical. If questions are asked with a judgmental tone, team members become defensive or compliant. Questions asked with the tone of genuine interest, curiosity, and compassion create the space for people to be honest and create greater accountability for success. 

A Final Thought

Sometimes it is easier to fix problems for others rather than equipping them to fix the problems themselves. Resist the temptation. Instead, equip them to fix their own problems. Create the accountability and support for them to try new strategies, learn from their mistakes, and keep trying until a strategy for sustained success emerges.